Showing posts with label cancer. Show all posts
Showing posts with label cancer. Show all posts

Wednesday, April 12, 2017

With an Open Palm

היום שני ימים בעמר
Today is two days of the omer
גבורה שבחסד
A day of strength in a week of loving kindness

Fifteen years ago, during my second year of the omer practice, I was in the midst of chemotherapy. The treatment was synchronous with the Jewish calendar. My first infusion was on the first of Nissan, the biblical start of the year, and my last was on the 49th day of the omer. It was great to have a path to walk, to mark each day in a way that wasn't tied to my cancer. The intentions took on new meanings when seen through the filter of illness. What I discovered about gevurah - strength, has stayed close to me to this day.

The clenched fist, often raised, is a pervasive symbol of strength. There is tension in that gesture, a tension that forms a base for the power that is portrayed. But that year, I learned that power also emanates from reaching out with an open palm. It takes strength to reach out to ask for help. That strength is magnified when it is met and joined with another's strength in giving.

 ביד חזקה ובזרע נטויה
It was by a mighty hand AND an outstretched arm that we were freed from Egypt, from our narrow place. We reach out our arms and, fingers wide, to clasp the open hands stretched out before us.
The sum of our shared gevurah, our shared strength, is greater than the whole.

Saturday, May 21, 2016

Making the Sacred Calendar Count

היום שמונה ועשרים יום שהם ארבעה שבועות בעמר
Today is twenty-eight days--that is four weeks--of the omer
מלכות שבנצח
A day of leadership in a week of perseverance

Yes, another day missed...another opportunity to start again. I think a good way to do that is share the drash I gave at The Kitchen last night.
___________________________________________________

Shabbat Shalom

One of the things I enjoy about tutoring my b’nei mitzvah students are the side discussions I get to have. I will admit, sometimes those discussion have little to do with Torah—there is talk of sports, or shoes. Recently, in the midst of one of an exchange about books, it came to light that I had never read the Harry Potter books. “Well” my student said, “You always give me homework, Marilyn, I have homework to give YOU” And so now I am reading the books as she lends them to me, one by one. (With tears in my eyes, I just finished the fourth book, looking forward to the next.) Not only am I enjoying the writing and the characters and the arc of the stories, I’m seeing so many messages of ethical and social and justice and life lessons that I know I will return to, weaving them into my teaching as I continue to uncover the different layers of meaning that will, may I say “magically” come to light.

In Harry Potter’s world, he often has something in mind that needs to be done and the tools to lead him there, only to find that there was a something else calling him to go another way, which those same objects are able to guide him, albeit in a different manner than expected. That echoes the way I often deal with Torah—thinking I want to study or teach one part of the text, but something else becomes illuminated which turns out to be much more appropriate to the time and space that I’m in that particular moment.

That is what happened on the way to preparing this drash. Months ago, when I asked Noa if I could share a teaching on this week’s Torah Parashah, Emor—I had a very specific teaching in mind that I wanted to share, dealing with the proscribed necessary perfection of the priests who offer the sacrifices, and what that sometimes troubling section says to us in the context of the world today. It’s a good teaching and I hope, someday to give you that teaching---but that will not happen today.

Because as I went to gather my sources, my searches kept taking me to a different part of the parashah, and it soon became clear that was what I needed to talk about, and share. So as I go where some invisible force led me, you will all see why it was where I needed to go this evening.

Last week, in Kedoshim, which is the very center of the Torah, we learned much of the code that gives us a framework for living in community, how to treat each other and ourselves with compassion—which is a definition of being Kedoshim - living in holiness.

In this week’s parashah, we begin a turn to matters seemingly more external—of our relationship with the land and the seasons. One entire chapter is dedicated to laying out the Jewish calendar, when and how to celebrate the festivals of the year.

As Rabbi Jonathan Sacks pointed out in his commentary on Emor this week, there are five specific mentions of these festivals in the Torah. The first two come in Shemot, Exodus, within first groups of laws we are given as a people. Only the three main festivals are mentioned—Pesach, Shavuot, and Sukkot— and the emphasis is on the tie to the yearly agricultural cycle. This is a good introduction to these special, sacred times. It serves as an important, concrete connection for an uprooted people in need of some grounding.

That leaves three more accounts. Two of those three come as the Israelites are poised to go into the land. Towards the end of the book of Numbers, we get a detailed description of the rituals involved with the offerings for each of the festivals that will take place at the Temple when it is built. Here we get celebrations of the full sacred calendar—weekly, Shabbat; monthly, Rosh Chodesh, the new month; Pesach and Shavuot; “Yom Teruah,” Rosh Hashanah, a day of “Kipurim” of atonement; and Sukkot. These sacrifice based rituals bring a different kind of understanding of the festivals, with a focus on honoring the One who created this world of living.

Later on, in Deuteronomy, it’s Moses is pouring out his heart and soul to these people he has been leading for forty years, giving his last instructions, for they will now go on without him. It’s about celebrating the festivals as a people, as a society—gathering together at the Temple in Jerusalem, leaving no one out,

ובנך ובתך ועבדך ואמתך והלוי והגר והיתום והלמנה
“your son and daughter, your male and female slave, the Levites, the stranger, the fatherless, the widow”

No matter what gender or status in the world—it is important to maintain the connection to our people, including all who wish to join.

What separates this telling of our celebrations in Emor, in the book of Leviticus, in this book that talks about holiness, from the others is that this telling, as Rabbi Sacks says, is not in terms of the ritual offerings of the sacrifices which we hear about in Numbers, nor about the unifying, inclusive societal aspect of the gathering together—not that there’s anything wrong with either of those. But here we are reminded of the times of internal, spiritual “checking in” with ourselves that are built into our sacred calendar.

The times given here are not just in specific days and months, but described most often using the words “Mo’aid” and “Mikra Kodesh.”

The Mo’ed – is a specific time, a fixed time, but it means more than that. The Ohel Mo’ed, the tent of meeting, is the sacred place where Moses and Adonai meet—a personal meeting with God, with the Transcendent spirit. In the last line of the mystical poem that began our entrance into Kabbalat Shabbat, Yedid Nefesh, we sang “מחר אהוב כי בא מועד” “Hurry, loved one, the appointed time has come”—it’s an intimate time of meeting, like a lover’s tryst. When we enter into Shabbat, we leave the rest of the week behind and make time to meet with ourselves on a different level, connecting to an introspective world.

Mikra Kodesh, echoing the name of this book of holiness, Vayikra, “and he called” Mikra Kodesh, often translated as “sacred occasion,” is to be called to holiness, to be brought close, with affection, with a feeling of intimacy. Each of the occasions mentioned – Shabbat, Pesach, Shavuot, Sukkot gives us the opportunity to spend time in that closeness, with ourselves and with others. The Mo’ed and the Mikra Kodesh combine to give us a fixed, holy, intimate moment—almost a stoppage of time, a kind of meditation, a presence that can only happen when we remove ourselves from everyday matters.

We live in secular time, in a material, physical world. The sacred Jewish calendar gives us a way to take off from that world, and help us gain a sense of our inner selves that is not always possible in the hustle and bustle of our lives. It is time we need but don’t always know how to access. The Torah is the instruction manual for how to make this happen.

There is one more important occasion given in this weeks Torah—one that lets us bring a piece of that spiritual intimacy into our everyday lives. That combines the agricultural, the ritual, the societal, and the spiritual into a period of the year. And that is……the counting of the omer.

We are instructed for “count for ourselves” the 49 days between Pesach and Shavuot. We count an omer – a measure of grain—for each of those days between Pesach—a commemoration of liberation and freedom; and Shavuot—the commemoration of the revelation of the Aseret Debrot, of the 10 Utterances, know as the 10 commandments.

We follow and maintain a connection to the earth as we acknowledge and track the early harvest of spring to the enjoyment of the first fruits of the harvest—taking the time to be thankful for what has been created, and a reminder to take care of what we have.

And each year, we count for ourselves, taking an omer, a measure of ourselves, taking a-count of where we are, in preparation for what lies ahead. We take the same journey of growth that our ancestors took as they went from the slavery of Egypt, Mitzrayim, that Narrow place—to the celebration of revelation, of how to live with ourselves, together, into a place we can call home.

We count as a people, each of our counting joining with all the others who count with us.

We continue in our lives, yet take a moment to pause and reflect each evening. We are thankful for the Kabbalistic mystics who gave us the intentions of chesed/loving-kindness, gevurah/strength, tiferet/compassion, netzakh/perseverance, hod/humility, yesod/foundation, and malchut/leadership/majesty, that we can use each day to help bring that intimate, spiritual closeness into each day.

I've been counting the omer for fifteen years, with varying degrees of engagement. Fourteen years ago, I counted while undergoing chemotherapy--my first infusion was on the first of Nissan; the final infusion was on the forty-ninth day of the omer. Instead of counting down the days, like a prisoner in a cell waiting for release, I was able to count up, using the Kabbalistic intentions to guide the way. I learned many things that year, not the least of which was that strength does not need to be characterized by a closed fist. You can show strength with an open palm when you need to ask for help.

And if some years, we can’t seem to find our measure; we can’t seem to find the connections, it all seems out of reach---well, that also brings in the beauty of the practice. Unlike Harry Potter, we don’t need wands or potions or spells -- for the cycle is always be there for us each year to tap into.

And brings me here, to this day, and this time to take a breath and continue the journey of this count—stopping to take a-count of where I am, right now, happy to share it with you. 

 So, let’s count….

Friday, May 06, 2016

Finding the foundation of strength

היום שלשה עשר יום שהם שבוע אחד וששה ימים בעמר
Today is thirteen days--that is one week and six days--of the omer
יסוד שבגבורה
A day of foundation in a week of strength

In this writing from the omer count of 2007, I wrote of how I began this practice that has become so foundational for me, and how the count and the sephirot and my life converged to give me an important lesson in strength.
_____________________________________________

I started my practice of counting the omer in 2000. I attended a series of three workshops at P'nai Or run by the Jewish Renewal Life Center in Philadelphia. The second of the workshops took place before Pesach. The weekend was centered around studying different aspects of Jewish ritual with Rabbi Marcia Prager, Rabbi Arthur Waskow, and Rabbi Phyllis Berman. It was there that I learned to count using the sephirot, giving me the spiritual hit that led me to work with this ancient practice in my modern life. Like the study of Torah, it is one of those practices that will sustain me for the rest of my life.

The counting of 2002--5762--had special significance for me. That was the year of my treatment for breast cancer. My chemotherapy started on the first of Nissan. My last infusion was on the 49th day of the omer. The counting that year had an added importance. It allowed me to avoid the tendancy to count those difficult days as a prisoner tracking her time of internment. Instead, I could use the seven attributes to support me through my illness.

It was Gevurah-the sephirot of strength-that resonated most deeply with me that year. So often the symbol of strength is a closed fist. But that year I learned how much strength there is in an outstretched, open palm. It is very difficult for many otherwise self-sufficient cancer patients to rely on others for help. But there are so many people around you at that time who want to help. The ability to ask for and accept the help you need represents a strength as great, if not greater, than any boxer's punch. That is a lesson of Gevurah that stays with me to this day.

Sunday, April 22, 2012

Open Handed Strength

היום ששה עשר יום שהם שני שבועות ושני ימים לעומר
Today is sixteen days which is two weeks and two days of the omer
גבורה שבתפארת
A day of strength in a week of compassion

Ten years ago as I was going through chemotherapy, I wrote a fair amount about strength and what it means to gain as well as give strength. I looked at strength "...with an open palm, not a closed fist -- of the strength in receptivity, of acceptance."

I also concentrated on being present--that is something that weaves in and out of all my journal entries from that time. Cancer treatment or not, I was participating in a 9 month meditation practice period at Makor Or. That in itself brought its own strength.
Strength in open-handed strength
Using judgement to lead to non-judgement
      Just what is.
Using power to take what is
To what the next is
     Will be.....

Sunday, April 08, 2012

Another Year, Another Count

היום יום אחד לעומר
Today is the first day of the omer
חסד שבחסד
A day of loving kindness in a week of loving kindness

And once again, the count begins.

A bit of an inauspicious start--I came home from seder last night filled in many ways, but forgot to post the count on Facebook. Perhaps that can be considered a good omen--maybe a slow start will lead to a fuller finish. As always, we'll see. Each year unfolds in it's own way. That's part of the point of this practice. It brings a way to be mindful of each day, be aware of what is happening around me and within me.
For those new readers, I offer a selection of links to help you understand this ancient practice. For those who would like the traditional "nuts & bolts" of the the ritual, go to this article by Rabbi Jill Jacobs from the website My Jewish Learning.com, a wonderful site to get a good range of information about all things Jewish. For an explanation of the Kabbilistic Sephirot that I reference each day, this article by David Cooper is one I like--it's straightforward, explaining the practice without the dogma. The Huffington Post is getting in on the act this year, posting their own daily omer reflections, which you can find here. And for fans of The Simpsons, there's always The Homer Calendar :)

As always, each day will reveal itself in it's own way, so I hesitate to predict or set a theme for the count. Periodically, I will be sharing bits of my omer journal from 10 years ago (pre-blog), as I navigated through the experience of chemotherapy. Two weeks ago, I posted the entry written after my first infusion. Here is a bit from that year's first day of the omer...

A week of loving-kindness, a day of loving-kindness.
It will be an interesting week, getting used to my bald head. I'm surprised at how, well, not-so-upset I am when I look in the mirror... 
There is a whole expectation that this will change my life. Maybe in the short term, but I'm not so sure about it in the long run. Yes, I've had to face my mortality, but I've also had to let those thoughts go-they're just not revelant now. I still need to just keep going day by day, taking each as it comes--once again, the mindfulness of being present. 
Being present with misery sucks, kind of paralizing. But it does attune you to listening to your body--small degrees of feeling better are fully felt. I've still got months of this cycle to go---is that a long time, or short, and does it matter. 
It just is...it will be...and then, it will be over.

Saturday, March 24, 2012

Happy New Year; Happy Anniversary

Today was the first of Nissan, the first month of the Jewish calendar---so technically, the start of the year. When you think about it, it seems to make sense to think that spring--a time of rebirth and blooming--would be a good time to start the year.

The first of Nissan has additional meaning for me. It is on this Hebrew date in 5762 (it was March 14 in 2002) that I began my dance with chemotherapy. Ten years of non-recurrence of cancer is a good milestone. It's another threshold of that experience that I get to walk through--and the more I leave behind, the better.

To commemorate the day, I went back to my journal from that time to touch those thoughts from a safe perspective. I'd like to share some of them here......
A new year, a new journey starts. 
This morning, walking to yoga, my thoughts came to their own revelation. The thing about having mortality hit you in the face becomes not about death - it brings an appreciation for life. And it's not about doing grand gestures, going on as if you could be gone tomorrow. It comes back to mindfulness - to be present; dealing with whatever thoughts or actions that brings. That's one part of this that is a gift 
I can feel the drugs in my body--although which drugs I'm feeling, I don't know. Is it just an atavan haze or the poisons working their way through -- time will tell. I just feel kind of spacey. I am aware of the flow within my body. And since this is the first time, I have to just experience the process 
Again, it's process...life is process
Another lesson
And process is presence
And as we learn to deal with the presence
We become clearer on the process
               that is life


Tuesday, May 17, 2011

Baruch Dayan Emet - Harmon Killebrew

היום תשעה ועשרים יום שהם ארבעה שבועות ויום אחד לעמר
Today is twenty-nine days, which is four weeks and one day, of the omer
חסד שבהוד
A day of loving kindness in a week of humility


Baseball Hall-of-Famer Harmon Killebrew, a great power hitter of the 60s, died today of esophageal cancer. He was 74 years old.

For some reason that I cannot explain, I was a Harmon Killebrew fan. I didn't know much about him, or the team he played for, the Minnesota Twins. As a little Jewish kid living in Long Island, New York, I would have been hard pressed to find Minnesota on a map :) And my baseball heart was with the National League Mets, so I would guess that I rarely watched him play. Knowing the way my mind works, I could have been fascinated with his name. But whatever the reason, I was very aware of his existence, and happy when he made the sports news on the radio.

Appropriately enough for the start of this fifth omer week, NPR ended their tribute to Killebrew with these words:
Besides his achievements on the field, fans will also remember Killebrew for his sportsmanship and humility — qualities that can't be measured in the record books.

Saturday, May 02, 2009

Letting Go


היום שלשה ועשרים יומים שהם שלשה שבועות ושני יומים לעמר
Today is the twenty-third day of the omer - three weeks and two days

גבורה שבנצך
A day of strength in a week of endurance


During the omer count of 5767 (2007) I wrote about the insight I had about Gevurah--the quality of strength. It was something that I learned while counting in 2002 while going through chemotherapy. I wrote:
It was Gevurah-the sephirot of strength-that resonated most deeply with me that year. So often the symbol of strength is a closed fist. But that year I learned how much strength there is in an outstretched, open palm. It is very difficult for many otherwise self-sufficient cancer patients to rely on others for help. But there are so many people around you at that time who want to help. The ability to ask for and accept the help you need represents a strength as great, if not greater, than any boxer's punch.
This year, I'm learning another seemingly counter-intuitive aspect of Gevurah. Within the symbolic icon of the closed fist is the connotation of holding tight, holding strong. But it often takes an equal amount of strength, if not more, to be able to let go. The longer a fist remains clenched the more effort it takes to release. The longer I remain in a rut, the more I hold on to the weights that keep me there.

I need to find my gevurah, my strength to let go of those constraints that are keeping me down. Once I release that heavy load, I will be able to more clearly see the path ahead.

Monday, May 19, 2008

Omer 5768 - Day 29; 4 weeks and 1 day

Today is Chesed she b'Hod - a day of loving kindness in a week of humility.

While the counting of the omer does mark a passage of time from Passover to Shavuot, the ritual of the counting gives me an appreciation for each day. I don't think about how much time has passed or how much there is to go. I just treat each day on its own terms--the number just gives the day its name.

This came in handy when I was counting the omer in my year of cancer treatment. It was somewhat eerie how that whole experience was in sync with the Jewish sacred calendar. I was diagnosed during Hanukkah; I started chemotherapy on the first of Nissan--in the Torah, the first day of the year; I had my last infusion on the 49th day of the omer; and I finished radiation a couple of days before Rosh Hashanah.

Counting the omer in that year had special meaning for me. I didn't need to count the days until chemo was over--I just had to count each day. When the omer was done, so was that treatment. I didn't need any special calendar to tell me--I didn't need any more ritual. I just counted each day, noted the different characteristics brought to that day by the sephirot.

I'm glad to be six years removed from that time--quite frankly, I'm glad to be here counting once again. It's not something to take for granted--two of the women who went through treatment with me did not make it to see these days. While I don't want to spend my life counting each day, I'm glad to have this time to remind me how much each day counts.

Tuesday, April 08, 2008

Who shall live, and who shall die...

Who shall live out the limit of her days, and who shall not?

This words are from the Une-tanah tokef prayer we say each Rosh HaShonah and Yom Kippur. It came to mind today when I saw the notice of the death of Debbie Peterson in today's SF Chronicle.

Debbie was one of the women in my support group at Kaiser when I was going through treatment for breast cancer. It is true, as her obituary says, "[She] had a huge heart, a huge smile and a huge capacity for letting others know they were loved." She was a fighter who knew how to be an advocate for herself and others. I remember that various doctors were trying to push her into having a surgery she felt was unnecessary. She did the research, found some alternatives, and bucked the system. She was funny, even through sickness, and was a joy to be around.

This makes two women lost from that group--Miriam Engelberg died in October, 2006. Why them and not me--that's a question that cannot be answered. What I will share with you is a poem I wrote while I was going through the treatment process--a time when I wasn't sure what my prognosis would be.
What have I been given?
By glimpsing death,
I touch my nefesh—my soul.
Through the sadness,
I touch my soul.
Through the uncertainty,
I touch my soul.
Don’t harden against thoughts of death
Look at them,
and let them see you.
Join with your soul

Zichrona L'vracha, Debbie.
I know your memory will be a blessing to all those whose lives you touched...like mine.

Monday, July 16, 2007

Prime Numbers



Today I celebrate my 53rd birthday.








Today Nathan Mass celebrates his 101st birthday.




This birthday--this whole year--is a milestone of a sort for me. Five years ago at this time I was going through treatment for breast cancer. Today I remain cancer-free. I've made it to the first plateau of the disease on the positive side of the statistics--five years of survival with no recurrence.

I feel as if I've reclaimed my body. I've written here and here about working to lose the weight gained in these past five years. There's also been weight lifted from my mind. That change is more subtle, but equally important. I notice it in the deepness of my yoga practice and my connections in prayer.

What is hard is to wrap my brain around the fact that I am middle-aged. Am I in, as they say, the prime of my life? Could be. Fifty-three is a prime number, so it's as good a place as any to start. Stay tuned to this blog and I'll let you know how it goes.

One-hundred-one is also a prime number, which brings me to my friend Nathan. He's already made an appearance in this blog on the 11th day of the omer--another prime number. He may not hear much, but his mind is still very much in tact. He still finds ways to enjoy life, flirting with all the young women around him--which, in his eyes, includes me--with much wit and laughter. Yesterday I went to his birthday party, and saw him surrounded by family and friends. He occupies a prime place in many hearts.





Five years ago on my birthday I sent out this photo of Ken and I with our bald heads together.






Today I also post this photo of Nathan and I, taken at his birthday party yesterday.

We may be on different edges of life's prime, but I'd say we're both survivors.

Happy Birthday to Nathan

Happy Birthday to me

Monday, July 02, 2007

Weighty Matters

This past April I started a dietary plan, to both release the toxins built up in my body and lose weight. I wanted to rid my organs of the last vestiges of the chemotherapy and other drugs taken during my cancer treatment. The weight had built up in the last five years, due in part to tamoxifen, menopause, and the natural aging process. It also didn't help that I continued to eat whatever I wanted--after all, I'd never had to worry about weight gain before this time. But now those aforementioned factors had contributed to a slowdown in my metabolism, and my BMI was coming close to the overweight zone.

The first part of the plan was a cleanse using products from Isagenix. As I reported here, while I felt good, and could feel the difference in my body, the scale showed only 4 pounds lost--a big disappointment.

But I didn't give up and when the cleanse period was done I continued to watch my caloric intake and eat primarily whole foods--lots of veggies and whole grains--while cutting way down on processed food products. I also weigh myself daily, and have gotten a better idea of my weight range. This knowledge has helped me better understand where my weight was before I started this eating regimen, what my weight status was after the cleanse, and where my weight stands now. I have determined that in this 3 month period, I have lost about 10 pounds--and it shows.

I've had people remark on my new leaner look. More important, I feel like I am back in my body. And even better, I have been able to take my yoga practice not just to where it was before my cancer diagnosis but even further--which keeps me connected to my body and my spirit.

So I encourage all of you struggling with body issues to find a healthy plan to follow and persevere. The changes may be small at first, but the continued pay off is huge.

Wednesday, April 11, 2007

Counting the Omer Day 8 - 1 week, 1 day


Today is Chesed she b'Gevurah - a day of loving kindness in a week of strength.

I started my practice of counting the omer in 2000. I attended a series of three workshops at P'nai Or run by the Jewish Renewal Life Center in Philadelphia. The second of the workshops took place before Pesach. The weekend was centered around studying different aspects of Jewish ritual with Rabbi Marcia Prager, Rabbi Arthur Waskow, and Rabbi Phyllis Berman. It was there that I learnt to count using the sephirot, giving me the spiritual hit that led me to work with this ancient practice in my modern life. Like the study of Torah, it is one of those practices that will sustain me for the rest of my life.

The counting of 2002--5762--had special significance for me. That was the year of my treatment for breast cancer. My chemotherapy started on the first of Nissan. My last infusion was on the 49th day of the omer. The counting that year had an added importance. It allowed me to avoid the tendancy to count those difficult days as a prisoner tracking her time of internment. Instead, I could use the seven attributes to support me through my illness.

It was Gevurah-the sephirot of strength-that resonated most deeply with me that year. So often the symbol of strength is a closed fist. But that year I learned how much strength there is in an outstretched, open palm. It is very difficult for many otherwise self-sufficient cancer patients to rely on others for help. But there are so many people around you at that time who want to help. The ability to ask for and accept the help you need represents a strength as great, if not greater, than any boxer's punch. That is a lesson of Gevurah that stays with me to this day.