The spiral of our life

היום ששה וארבעים יום, שהם ששה שבועות וארבעה ימום, בעמר

Today is forty-six days, which is six weeks and four days, of the omer
נצח שבמלכות
A day of perseverance in a week of leadership

The day of perseverance falls on Shabbat this year, which gives us the space this week to stop and reflect on what it meant to keep up this count, as that first rush of intention and that second rush of determination wears off.

It's a long journey from liberation to revelation, with twists and turns and sometimes a drop off along the way. But ritual is about perseverance, and wherever we get this year, we can build to the next. The spiritual cycle becomes an integral part of the spiral of our life.

A foundation of mindfulness

היום עשרים יום שהם שני שבועות וששה ימים בעמר
Today is twenty days--that is two weeks and six days--of the omer
יסוד שתפארת
A day of foundation in a week of compassion

Don't curse the deaf, or put a stumbling block before the blind,

be in awe of your God

I am Adonai

 -- Lev 19:14

This week we read Kedoshim, a part of the Torah that has many laws, many of which deal directly with how we live in this world with each other. The verse above is one that we read, one that I think we pass over with a "yeah, yeah, I know that."

But take another look, expand your thoughts from the physical manifestations of meaning.

There are many kinds of obstacles--spiritual, psychological, as well as physical. Blocks we put in front of others as well as blocks within ourselves.

And while the deaf may not hear the curses directed at them, words can fly in many directions, heard by many years. The much of the harm can be to the one spraying the curses.

The bottom line-----mindfulness is wonderful constant to have in your life.

Finding the foundation of strength

היום שלשה עשר יום שהם שבוע אחד וששה ימים בעמר
Today is thirteen days--that is one week and six days--of the omer
יסוד שבגבורה
A day of foundation in a week of strength

In this writing from the omer count of 2007, I wrote of how I began this practice that has become so foundational for me, and how the count and the sephirot and my life converged to give me an important lesson in strength.
_____________________________________________

I started my practice of counting the omer in 2000. I attended a series of three workshops at P'nai Or run by the Jewish Renewal Life Center in Philadelphia. The second of the workshops took place before Pesach. The weekend was centered around studying different aspects of Jewish ritual with Rabbi Marcia Prager, Rabbi Arthur Waskow, and Rabbi Phyllis Berman. It was there that I learned to count using the sephirot, giving me the spiritual hit that led me to work with this ancient practice in my modern life. Like the study of Torah, it is one of those practices that will sustain me for the rest of my life.

The counting of 2002--5762--had special significance for me. That was the year of my treatment for breast cancer. My chemotherapy started on the first of Nissan. My last infusion was on the 49th day of the omer. The counting that year had an added importance. It allowed me to avoid the tendancy to count those difficult days as a prisoner tracking her time of internment. Instead, I could use the seven attributes to support me through my illness.

It was Gevurah-the sephirot of strength-that resonated most deeply with me that year. So often the symbol of strength is a closed fist. But that year I learned how much strength there is in an outstretched, open palm. It is very difficult for many otherwise self-sufficient cancer patients to rely on others for help. But there are so many people around you at that time who want to help. The ability to ask for and accept the help you need represents a strength as great, if not greater, than any boxer's punch. That is a lesson of Gevurah that stays with me to this day.

Practicing Prayer, Voicing Fears

היום  אחד עשר יום שהם שבוע אחד וארבעה ימים בעמר
Today is eleven days--that is one week and four days--of the omer
נצח שבגבורה
A day of perseverance in a week of strength

The practice of prayer is often hard to connect with, especially when the words are in a language you can neither read nor understand. That is the challenge of Jewish prayer, which has been an integral part of my spiritual practice for more than 15 years. It is a process that involves work, continual work, navigating through the different layers at different moments. That is what makes it a lifetime practice, for it's a ever changing relationship.

Part of the liturgy of the Jewish morning prayer service is the psalm of the day--one more way we, as Jews, measure time. Each psalm can give an intention for each day as we move through the week. What that intention is, like many of our rituals, open to interpretation.

The psalms for Tuesday and Wednesday have spoken to me these past years, giving a voice to my fears for the world:

"How long will you judge unjustly, giving face to the wicked!"Psalm 82:2  

"How long, Adonai, will the wicked - the wicked exhalt!"Psalm 94:3

This year, those fears are intensified for this country, and remaining silent is not an option--we must all raise our voices with these words, or those of our own, to truly live the words that I grew up hearing, that I saw on the wall at Yad Vashem:

Looking for compassion

היום אחד תשעה עשר יום שהם שני שבועות וחמשה ימים בעמר
Today is nineteen days, which is two weeks and five days of the omer
הוד שבתפארת
A day of humility in a week of compassion

Along with the omer, there is another period of contemplation built into the Jewish spiritual calendar--the month of Elul. Elul is the month before Tishrei--which marks Rosh Hashanah, the head of the year. It is a time that is to be spent concentrating, meditating on a personal teshuvah--often translated as repentance, but it has the connotation of a turning, a returning to a state of understanding where repentance is not necessary.

I have spent more than a couple Elul periods working on finding a teshuvah from my tendency to be judgmental--sometimes of others but more often of myself. I will need to be aware of this element of my personality, be mindful all my life to keep from allowing that negativity to rule my emotions and my connections to others. I am forever grateful to my teacher, Zoketsu Norman Fischer, who gave me the key that can turn my judgmental inclination into compassion.

In a teaching that Norman gave on teshuvah, he talked about the turning in a very literal manner. Take that aspect that you are working on and turn it around--look what is on the other side. What you find will show a different path, a way to redemption.

I found compassion on the flip side of being judgmental. Hidden within the judgments is caring. For if I didn't care, there would be no reason to judge. And when I concentrate on the caring instead of the judgment, I find compassion.

The TImeless Stream

היום אחד שבעה עשר יום שהם שני שבועות ושלשה ימים בעמר
Today is seventeen days, which is two weeks and three days of the omer
תפארת שבתפארת
A day of compassion in a week of compassion

Time for another breath of Shabbat, with a coolness not felt in these past days.
My mind is full at the moment, but it's time to clear it out, breath in Shabbat.
Thankful for these interludes built into each week,
feeling the wisdom of the ancients,
entering into that timeless stream with them

Good Shabbas to all

First Fruits

היום אחד ששה עשר יום שהם שני שבועות ושני ימים בעמר

Today is sixteen days, which is two weeks and two days of the omer
גבורה שבתפארת
A day of strength in a week of compassion

Shavuot, the feast of the first fruits may be weeks away--4 weeks and 6 days, to be exact :) -- but yesterday I tasted my first fruits of the season--apricots, nectarines, peaches, and cherries. The nectarines and peaches have the tartness of the early season. The apricots are mostly sweet, with more consistancy coming in the weeks ahead. The cherries--sweet, tart--I don't care. I'm eating cherries again, and that makes me very happy.

One of the things I am grateful for in my Jewish practice is the awareness I have cycles in the day, the week, the month, and the year. Rabbi Lew instilled in me how the different ways knowing where I am in that time and space can bring different sets of mindfulness. Concentrating on the aspects of where I am now while being aware of the context of that present moment is a great focus for reflection. Spring is not winter; day is not night; month beginning has a different feel than month end. But as I teach in meditation--the wonder of concentrating on the present moment is that it contains all the moments that have lead to it; and it is a part of every moment that follows.

Which brings me to the joy of these first fruits. Because I eat seasonally, these are my first mouthfuls of this freshness this year. Waiting all year for these tastes, I have an appreciation for the time and energy it takes for them to reach my farmer's market. And I will take a portion of the bounty and freeze it to give me that hint of flavor through the rest of the year.

But the present moment of ripeness, while carrying both that past work and future reminder, is the peak experience. And these first fruits, like the first breath of meditation, feels--and tastes--so good.

Taking memories forward

היום אחד חמשה עשר יום שהם שני שבועות ויום אחד בעמר

Today is fifteen days, which is two weeks and one day of the omer
חסד שבתפארת
A day of loving kindness in a week of compassion

Truly a day of loving kindness and compassion, as I officiate at an unveiling--the Jewish ritual marking the placement of a headstone at the grave of a loved one. It is not something I've done before, and I am honored to have been asked to lead this ritual so close to the hearts of the family who lost their husband and father. We will remember him, with tears and as well as some laughter. It is hard to see this reminder of his death, literally set in stone. But there is also a sense of moving on, letting go--not having the memories fade, but being able to keep them close without the immediacy of the pain. In this way, this ritual serves not as an ending commemoration, but as one that marks the beginning of the new journey.

Zichrono L'vracha -- may his memory be a blessing

Women of Valor

היום אחד שלשה עשר יום שהם שבוע אחד וששה ימים בעמר
Today is thirteen days, which is one week and six days of the omer
יסוד שבגבורה
A day of foundation in a week of strength

I began my Yom HaShoah commemoration yesterday dealing with the global aspect of needing to continue this important remembrance. We need to take the reflections of this day and turn them into actions. And the news this past week of the words and actions of Donald Sterling and Cliven Bundy shows how much work there is to combat racist hatred.

Today I honor two women who survived the Shoah with their souls intact. Neither had easy lives and suffered wounds often hidden but never completely healed. They both lived long lives with a deep faith not so much in God but in the spirit, teachings, rituals, and traditions of Judaism.

My dear friend Mitzi Wilner survived by living as a Catholic nanny using her best friend's papers with her friend's maiden name. But her parents, her sisters, and much of her family were captured and killed in the German "actions" in her Polish town. Somehow she was able to keep her faith in a way seems unfathomable in the context of her experiences. As Rabbi Lew wrote upon hearing of her death: "Mitzi’s spirituality was irreducibly Jewish; a great light that she carried out of some of the darkest places the Jewish soul has ever seen, and into a world of hope and continuity."

And then there was Goldie Rassen, who rarely talked of her life in that dark time. She was in a labor camp, and she made it through. She felt so strongly that adherence to Jewish practice is what would keep Judaism alive for the generations to come. She wanted Jews to know Hebrew, to read the literature, the poetry, the teachings that Judaism has to give, both secular and sacred. Her life was dedicated to teaching others, and she was cherished by her students. While I don't have a photo of her, I have this poem I wrote in her memory to keep her in my heart

לגולדי  –  מורה שלי – חברה שלי

To Goldie - My Teacher - My Friend

אני זוכרת את הפנים שלך

I remember your face

אני זוכרת את הקול שלך

I remember your voice

אני זוכרת את הידיים שלך

I remember your hands

אני זוכרת שלמדתי איתך

I remember studying with you

אני זוכרת שדיברתי איתך

I remember speaking with you

אני זוכרת ששרתי איתך

I remember singing with you

אני זוכרת שהתפללתי איתך

I remember praying with you

את יושבת בלב שלי כל אזמן

You live in my heart forever

זכרונך לברכא לי

Your memory is a blessing to me

Zichronot L'vracha
The memories of these two strong, courageous women
are certainly a blessing to me. 

Rabbi Lew and Jackie Robinson

היום עשרים  יום שהם שני שבועות וששה ימים בעמר

Today is twenty days, which is two weeks and six days of the omer
יסוד שבתפארת
A day of foundation in a week of compassion

A tough day for our country--for the world. Why anyone wants to make such a huge statement that means lives will be lost is totally beyond my comprehension. Maybe I'll write more about this tomorrow, maybe not. But today, to keep some normality, the topic is baseball.

It was 66 years ago today that Jackie Robinson made his debut with the Brooklyn Dodgers. All the major league players are wearing number 42 today in his honor. One of the best ways I know to pay homage to his memory is to share some words from a big fan--my teacher, Rabbi Alan Lew, z''l. Here is an excerpt from my favorite Rabbi Lew sermon, Yasher Koach,  given on Rosh Hashanah 5760/2000.

I have been a baseball fan all my life. The most vivid memory I have is my first visit to Ebbets Field in 1948. My Uncle Benny, my favorite uncle who died a few years later, took me. It was the day the Dodgers clinched the pennant that year, and after the game the crowds poured out onto the street outside the Dodger dressing room and waited for their heroes to come out. In those days, athletes used to wear sport coats with white shirts -- no ties, collars spread wide open -- and as long as I live, I will never forget the sight of Gil Hodges immense Adam's apple protruding out of the open neck of his white shirt. He was a god. 

Another sight I'll never forget; a short while later my father took me to my first night game, also at Ebbets Field. Coming into the park, I caught my first glimpse of that glistening green grass diamond bathed in the arclight. My heart still stops a little whenever I walk into a stadium and see that 

And, of course, in 1948, Jackie Robinson began the civil rights revolution by penetrating baseball, because both he and Branch Rickey seemed to understand that baseball was at the heart of the American psyche, and if America was going to change, it had to change here first. You know, Louis Finkelstein, the great chancellor, perhaps the greatest chancellor of the Jewish Theological Seminary, had the same insight. He used to say, you can't be an American Rabbi unless you know baseball. 

And in fact, I learned about social justice and civil rights and racial prejudice, not in school, not in synagogue, but through baseball. 

Pee Wee Reese, the little colonel, died the other day. When Pee Wee Reese became the only player on the Dodgers to befriend Jackie Robinson, he also became my favorite player and he remained so until he retired. 

Most of the ballplayers then were from the south. Pee Wee Reese was from the south too. Louisville, Kentucky, to be precise. But when the other players got up a petition saying they wouldn't play with Jackie Robinson, Pee Wee Reese refused to sign. And then one afternoon in Cincinnati, when the fans were taunting Robinson mercilessly, and even some of the players were joining in, Pee Wee Reese walked over and put his arm around Jackie Robinson and stood beside him. Later, Jackie Robinson said, I never felt alone on a baseball field after that. 

So When Jackie Robinson couldn't find a house to buy, I sent him a letter inviting him to come live in my neighborhood. He wrote me back. He said he was sorry that he couldn't live in my neighborhood, because he and his family had just purchased a house in Stamford, Connecticut. 

Baseball mirrors life in a subtle and deeply spiritual way. It has a deep aesthetic and we pour our souls into this mythic diamond and allow our deepest aspirations and conflicts to play out there. 

Zichron'hem l'vracha - the memories of both Rabbi Lew and Jackie Robinson are blessings to us today.

Kavannah and Kevah

היום אחד שמונה עשר יום שהם שני שבועות וארבעה ימים בעמר
Today is eighteen days, which is two weeks and four days of the omer
נצח שבתפארת
A day of perseverance in a week of compassion

I've been working with friends of mine, teaching them about the Saturday morning prayer service in particular as well as the larger topic of Jewish prayer. Their oldest son will become bar mitzvah in early June, and they had been feeling lost in the service. I really appreciate their wanting to feel a connection to the ritual of prayer, to be able to participate in this important life cycle event in the way it was intended and not just be about the party.

Whenever I prepare teachings such as this, I learn something in the process. This assignment pushed me to get the first volume of My People's Prayer Book, edited by Rabbi Lawrence Hoffman. This volume, The Sh'ma and it's Blessings, gives a good introduction to prayer in regard to both form and function. It was there that I found one way to explain the prayer experience that I hadn't thought of before.

Jewish ritual is driven by two concepts -- kavannah and kevah. Kavannah is the intention of prayer, something that comes directly from within without the filter of the words in the siddur, the prayer book. It comes from the word meaning "to direct" - your words, thoughts, emotions go directly from your soul out to God--whatever that means to you. Kevah, meaning a fixed, stable state, is exemplified by the siddur, the words on the pages, as well as the order and times of the specific prayers.

Prayer is the balance between kavannah and kevah - between the structure of the service and the words from the heart. The balance point constantly changes with the needs of the moment. Sometimes the kevah--the strict order and liturgical verses can be a barrier to what you need to express. Then kavannah takes over--you can listen to the chants, feel the support of community, yet express your own feelings in your own words. Then there are times when more grounding is needed, you're looking for guidance and meaning. The words and prayers are there, carefully chosen to bring you into a state of release, where you don't have to work to find words and you can converse with God in a way that brings comfort.

Kavannah and Kevah -- another cycle of Jewish ritual that brings openings into a sacred space.

Practical + Spiritual = Survival

היום שלשים ימים בעמר
Today is three days of the omer
תפארת שבחסד
A day of compassion in a week of loving kindness

I see Jewish ritual practice as fluid, a conglomerate of intersecting layers. Some layers exist in space, others in time, and still others cut through both time and space. Then there are the layers within the layers. Some divisions in space occur in one room, some across the universe. Time can be a day, a week, a month, a year, or multiple years through the millennia.

Then there is the practical vs spiritual aspect of many rituals, which can be rooted in tradition yet can change with each generation. Sometimes what seems very practical in one era would feel obsolete in another. The rituals surrounding kosher food is one example that comes to mind. I've had people explain to me how the rules of kashrut work in ancient times to keep people healthy. For example, they tell me, the clay dishes used were very porous, so not mixing milk and meat on the same plates would lessen the chance of eating spoiled food.

Giving health reasons for practicing kashrut is fine, the famous medieval Jewish commentator--and doctor--Maimonides would agree with that. But that is not the only reason to take on this practice. In the Torah, the reason for keeping kosher is so that we can approach holiness. What does that mean? Time to go to another level.

Maybe it's a way to be mindful about all aspects of what you eat--where it comes from, how it's prepared, what goes into the cooking. Eating is a very physical reminder that we are connected to other parts of the planet and need to think about the effects our intake will have on the rest of the world. And maybe we need to be reminded that nourishment includes feeding our soul as well as our body.*

My point in all this is to appreciate this multi-level Jewish practice that our ancestors have given us. Instead of kashrut, I could have written about Shabbat and the need for rest or Pesach as a way of clearing out the stale. All good ideas on a practical level. But there are always other strata in which to experience those rituals. Some work better than others for different people in different cultures in different generations.

And I think that is one reason why Judaism still exists when other peoples have not. We may be a vast, diverse tribe, but a people who can weave together the practical with the spiritual--feeding body and soul--will survive.


*For some other thoughts on the why of kosher in this era - check out this article from MyJewishLearning.com and this article from The National Jewish Outreach Program.

From Judgement to Compassion

היום חמשה עשר יום שהם שני שבעות ויום אחד לעומר
Today is fifteen days, which is two weeks and one day of the omer
חסד שבתגארת
A day of loving kindness in a week of compassion

At services yesterday, I spoke about how the kabbalists viewed Rosh Chodesh, the start of each month, as a chance for renewal. We start with the darkness of the new moon which then grows to fullness. It's a good time to take a breath, and have a brief moment of teshuvah.

I grapple with the judgemental side of my personality. I am very hard on myself; if I'm going to do something, I'd better do it right -- whatever that means. That attitude can seep into my observations of what others are doing--or not doing, as the case may be. And when my thinking goes in that direction, I become unaware of other aspects of what is happening that need to be taken into account.

In the early years of my Makor Or practice I spent a lot of my contemplative time looking at my judgemental tendencies. Then in a Elul teaching session,  Norman talked about looking at teshuvah not as repentance, as it is often translated, but as a returning--closer to its meaning. Keep turning around whatever it is you are concentrating on and see what is on the other side.

It was when I looked at the other side of my judgement attitudes, I saw compassion. For if I didn't care, there would be nothing to be judgemental about. So if, when I'm feeling those judgemental thoughts inch up on me, I can focus on the why do I care, I might be able to find the compassion that lives on the other side. And if I can look at what is happening through the lens of that compassion, I can find a clearer way to help what ever the situation may be--it may be to help others, it may just help myself. It may be that I find a way to solve an issue; it may be I find a way to let an issue go. Either way would bring loving kindness into the mix.

Strength of Spirit; Strength of Healing - UPDATED

היום תשעה ימים שהם שבוע אחד ושני ימים לעומר
Today is nine days, which is one week and two days of the omer
גבורה שבגבורה
A day of strength in a week of strength

Does life follow the sephirot, or do the sephirot follow life?

This year, in this week, there is a mighty convergence of the two.
A very strong spirit was compromised with a very strong internal jolt.
But an outpouring of healing energy
emanating from a widespread but spiritually powerful community
is bringing strong support.

And so, on this day of double strength, I post this message
to build the path toward Refuah Shleimah--a Full Healing

Dear friends, family, and all loved ones of Sam Rudra Swartz,

As you have probably heard by now, Sam Rudra experienced a pretty serious heart attack on Saturday April 15th. He's resting and recovering in the hospital in San Francisco, and is getting excellent medical attention and support. Sam Rudra is in good spirits, is joking around and interrogating all the doctors and nurses about where they're from, when their birthdays are, and their favorite sports teams -- in other words, being his usual Sam Rudra self. Everyone seems pretty pleased with the recovery he's making, although he's going to be staying in the hospital for a few more days. 

Lots of people have asked how they can help. Here are some things you and your family can do to help support Sam during his recuperation:

1. Keep sending prayers and thoughts of healing -- powerful OMs, r'fua shleimah, good vibes, whatever you've got -- his way. These messages are getting through to him, and he's especially appreciate of all the wonderful words of support everyone has sent via facebook posts, emails, and texts. (Please know that if you don't hear back from him right away it's because he's resting, but he really is seeing or hearing all of them).

2. Make a donation to support Sam's healing process. Kind friends in San Francisco have offered to let him stay with them while he gets back on his wheels, but the going's going to be tough for a bit. One thing that will really help Sam be healthier is being in a better wheelchair. On behalf of Sam and all of who have spent time with this amazing person, please consider making a contribution to help Sam Rudra Swartz recover peacefully and get a new wheelchair, so he can regain his mobility and be back out in the world as quickly as possible. 

Contributions can be made in three ways:

--> Through PayPal. We've set up a donation system on PayPal, so you can send your support easily and safely on line. 

Please click here to participate in Sam's recovery and to help him get a new wheelchair 

--> By check. 

Please send checks payable to Samuel Swartz care of:

Leah Muse-Orlinoff

P.O. Box 14684

San Francisco, CA

94114

--> In person (if you are in San Francisco). Stuart Surya Dick, Heather Sevika Ford, Marilyn Heiss, and Leah can all accept donations to Sam's recovery fund. Contact any one of us for more information.

Again, thank you all for your strong and immediate messages of healing and peace. Sam Rudra is healing well thanks to the loving thoughts of the thousands of us whose lives he's touched over the years; now it's our turn to smooth his road to full health.

_____UPDATED APRIL 22

Hi everyone!

Leah here with a quick update on Sam Rudra's progress towards health. As you probably know, Sam Rudra is out of the hospital and resting comfortably at the home of the extraordinary Stuart and Joe. His spirits are good, but he's still working on getting used to his meds. The doctor has prescribed two months of cardiac rehab, so that will be starting soon. Meanwhile, he's trying to catch up on rest (hospitals are hardly relaxing places to be, as you probably know) and slowly regaining his strength. 

If you'd like to come visit Sam Rudra during his recuperation, kindly contact me (Leah) at lealo.rapido@gmail.com. We're trying to manage the flow of visitors through Stuart & Joe's house and make sure Sam Rudra has plenty of down time during the day to focus on healing.

Sam Rudra would also like me to thank you all again for the amazing outpouring of love and encouragement that you have all sent his way over the past week. He's working towards catching up with everyone and returning phone calls and messages, but please understand if it takes a little longer for him to respond to you, and know that your message was deeply meaningful to him.

For those of you who have generously shown your support of Sam Rudra's recovery through a donation to the Sam Rudra Swartz Healing Fund, I wanted to let you know that we have been able to arrange for some much needed repairs to his wheelchair. The details of what kind of chair is ultimately going to be best for him are still pending, and will become clearer once he begins cardiac rehab and consults with his doctors on follow-up care; in the meantime, his chair needed new wheels and brakes and a whole slew of fixes, which your support has made possible. I will keep you all posted on the  wheelchair project, and please don't hesitate to contact me with any questions about the fund's use. If you would like to contribute to the fund via Paypal, please visit http://tinyurl.com/samrudraswartz. Checks can be sent to the address below.

Anyone who would like to bring food to Stuart & Joe's house is encouraged to contact Joe Sieger. Contact leah for the contact info.

Cards and other expressions of support can be sent to Sam Rudra at:

Sam Swartz

PO Box 14684

San Francisco, CA 94114

Once again, on behalf of Sam Rudra, thank you for your support and many kindnesses during this crazy week, and hope you and your loved ones have a beautiful day. 

Warmly,

Leah Muse-Orlinoff

Another Year, Another Count

היום יום אחד לעומר
Today is the first day of the omer
חסד שבחסד
A day of loving kindness in a week of loving kindness

And once again, the count begins.

A bit of an inauspicious start--I came home from seder last night filled in many ways, but forgot to post the count on Facebook. Perhaps that can be considered a good omen--maybe a slow start will lead to a fuller finish. As always, we'll see. Each year unfolds in it's own way. That's part of the point of this practice. It brings a way to be mindful of each day, be aware of what is happening around me and within me.
For those new readers, I offer a selection of links to help you understand this ancient practice. For those who would like the traditional "nuts & bolts" of the the ritual, go to this article by Rabbi Jill Jacobs from the website My Jewish Learning.com, a wonderful site to get a good range of information about all things Jewish. For an explanation of the Kabbilistic Sephirot that I reference each day, this article by David Cooper is one I like--it's straightforward, explaining the practice without the dogma. The Huffington Post is getting in on the act this year, posting their own daily omer reflections, which you can find here. And for fans of The Simpsons, there's always The Homer Calendar :)

As always, each day will reveal itself in it's own way, so I hesitate to predict or set a theme for the count. Periodically, I will be sharing bits of my omer journal from 10 years ago (pre-blog), as I navigated through the experience of chemotherapy. Two weeks ago, I posted the entry written after my first infusion. Here is a bit from that year's first day of the omer...

A week of loving-kindness, a day of loving-kindness.
It will be an interesting week, getting used to my bald head. I'm surprised at how, well, not-so-upset I am when I look in the mirror... 

There is a whole expectation that this will change my life. Maybe in the short term, but I'm not so sure about it in the long run. Yes, I've had to face my mortality, but I've also had to let those thoughts go-they're just not revelant now. I still need to just keep going day by day, taking each as it comes--once again, the mindfulness of being present. 

Being present with misery sucks, kind of paralizing. But it does attune you to listening to your body--small degrees of feeling better are fully felt. I've still got months of this cycle to go---is that a long time, or short, and does it matter. 

It just is...it will be...and then, it will be over.

Happy New Year; Happy Anniversary

Today was the first of Nissan, the first month of the Jewish calendar---so technically, the start of the year. When you think about it, it seems to make sense to think that spring--a time of rebirth and blooming--would be a good time to start the year.

The first of Nissan has additional meaning for me. It is on this Hebrew date in 5762 (it was March 14 in 2002) that I began my dance with chemotherapy. Ten years of non-recurrence of cancer is a good milestone. It's another threshold of that experience that I get to walk through--and the more I leave behind, the better.

To commemorate the day, I went back to my journal from that time to touch those thoughts from a safe perspective. I'd like to share some of them here......

A new year, a new journey starts. 

This morning, walking to yoga, my thoughts came to their own revelation. The thing about having mortality hit you in the face becomes not about death - it brings an appreciation for life. And it's not about doing grand gestures, going on as if you could be gone tomorrow. It comes back to mindfulness - to be present; dealing with whatever thoughts or actions that brings. That's one part of this that is a gift 

I can feel the drugs in my body--although which drugs I'm feeling, I don't know. Is it just an atavan haze or the poisons working their way through -- time will tell. I just feel kind of spacey. I am aware of the flow within my body. And since this is the first time, I have to just experience the process 

Again, it's process...life is process
Another lesson
And process is presence
And as we learn to deal with the presence
We become clearer on the process
               that is life

Step by Step

היום שנים  וארבעים יום שהם ששה שבועת לעמר
Today is forty-two days, which is six weeks, of the omer
מאלכות שביסוד
A day of majesty in a week of foundation

It was four weeks ago that I wrote about looking for balance in my life. I ended that post, "Balancing Act," with the observation that sometimes you need to change the placement of the balancing point. As I mark this sixth week of the omer, I realize there has been a foundational shift in my Jewish ritual practice.

My avodah-my service time is in better balance with my prayer time. I've made a conscious effort to step back from many coordinating roles. I participate in and certainly help support my community, but my responsibilities need to be focused on my teaching and my editing work. I need to make my personal practice a priority over that of the communal practice. I have given too much avodah to the detriment of my spiritual well being. I need to recalibrate that ratio in order to better serve both myself and the community.

Five weeks ago I also focused on finding balance. It was the first day of malchut in the cycle, and I wrote:

I wonder whether malchut is the place where all the other attributes meld with each other--like the way all the colors together make white. I can feel it as the union of the other aspects, a reminder of the balance needed to hold them all.

That aspect of malchut has come to the forefront for me this year. I have used each of the attributes to inform my thinking as I've pondered my next directions. One foot in front of the other, I continue to find my way.

Keep on keeping on

היום ארבעה בשלשים יום שהם ארבעה שבועות וששה ימים לעמר
Today is thirty-four days, which is four weeks and six days, of the omer
יסוד שבהוד
A day of foundation in a week of humility

One of my elementary-through-high school buddies who I'm now connected with through Facebook  asked this week, after seeing my omer counting posts each day, "How long are you going with this?" Although I responded with the particulars of the ritual, he brought to mind an aspect concerning the flow of the practice I hadn't considered before.

In the framework of the counting of the omer, this fifth week is the first full week over the halfway point of the period. I have to admit, I'm feeling the weariness when I have to force myself to post each day. I'm sure the writing suffers. Even those who just follow the count are getting that "is this done yet?" feeling.

It is these tired moments that are crucial in any practice. Practice is about doing--just doing. You don't have to like doing it, you don't have to want to do it, and you don't have to do it well. You just keep up the practice and see where it leads. Some paths bring revitalization to the practice form, others may transform it into something very different, and there may be circumstances when it needs to stop altogether.

But if it just ends with a tired shrug, then it's not the practice that didn't work, it would mean I couldn't work with the practice. And while that's not necessarily bad, it would be something to be noted.

A foundational thought in this week of humility.

Oneness

היום חמשה ועשרים יום שהם שלשה שבועות וארבעה ימים לעמר
Today is twenty-five days, which is three weeks and four days, of the omer
נצח שבנצח
A day of perseverance in a week of perseverance

In honor of finishing a week of yoga - oneness, I bring you this poem:

Finding Unity 

Those who know do not speak;
Those who speak do not know.
Stop up the openings,
Close down the doors,
Rub off the sharp edges.
Unravel all confusion.
Harmonize the light,
Give up contention:
This is called finding the unity of life.
When love and hatred cannot affect you,
Profit and loss cannot touch you,
Praise and blame cannot ruffle you,
You are honored by all the world
                      ---Lao Tzu

Wishing you a good Shabbos

Sefirot Circles

היום שנים ועשרים יום שהם שלשה שבועות ויום אחד לעמר
Today is twenty-two days, which is three weeks and one day, of the omer
חסד שבנצח
A day of loving kindness in a week of perseverance

Ein Sof and the Ten Sefirot
David Friedman
www.kosmic-kabbalah.com

I love this image of the Sefirot as concentric circles. There is much depth, and the feeling of infinity. There's movement to the center of the round, as well as a flowing outward, making a continuous tube of the Sefirot. The container for this tube is the white  אינ סוף - the Ein Sof, that without end.

This is how I'm beginning to see my spiritual center. For the past ten years, that center was housed in a very concrete place that held the framework of my rituals. My teacher also resided there, bringing deep meaning to the structure of the practice.

That building is still there, helping me maintain the practice. The community contained within will still be there, I hope, to support the practice. But my spiritual center must live within me, moving to the center of my personal circle. And I must travel out through the tube of Sefirot, the tube of life, to find nourishment for my soul, and to help feed others.