If I had wings....

היום אחד עשר ימים שהם שבוע אחד וארבעה ימים לעומר
Today is eleven days, which is one week and four days of the omer
נצח שבגבורה
A day of perseverance in a week of strength

I have to write two short bios for myself this week--one for the Hazon ride in May and one for the educator institute I will attend this summer with The Jewish Women's Archive.

It's times like this that I feel my age with a different perspective from the physicality of aging. How to boil down my almost 40 years of adult experience into three or four sentences? What do I choose to tell; what do I choose to leave out.

I haven't written the bio for JWA yet, but here's what I wrote for the Hazon ride:

Marilyn Heiss is a native New Yorker and a 26-year San Franciscan. An Emmy-award winning editor, she has been working in the TV/Video/Film industry for over 30 years. Marilyn found her way back to Jewish practice through yoga, and is a proud Torah chanting, minyan going, tefillin wearing woman. A participant in the initial meditation practice periods at Makor Or, the meditation center founded by Rabbi Alan Lew, z"l & Zoketsu Norman Fischer, she served as its program director from 2003 - 2005. In addition to her editing work, she trains b'nei mitzvah students, and teaches Torah and Jewish studies to 7th & 8th graders at Peninsula Temple Beth El in San Mateo.

Pretty straightforward, showing pretty equally the mix of my professions as an editor and a Jewish educator. They seemed happy with it :)

Doing this has reminded me of a song that felt very close to me when I was a teenager. It's on Peter Paul and Mary's Album 1700. It still speaks to me today as it spoke to me then.

If I had wings no one would ask me should I fly
The bird sings, no one asks why.
I can see in myself wings as I feel them
If you see something else, keep your thoughts to yourself,
I'll fly free then.

Yesterday's eyes see their colors fading away
They see their sun turning to grey
You can't share in a dream, that you don't believe in
If you say that you see and pretend to be me
You won't be then.

How can you ask if I'm happy goin' my way?
You might as well ask a child at play!
There's no need to discuss or understand me
I won't ask of myself to become something else
I'll just be me!

If I had wings no one would ask me should I fly
The bird sings, and no one asks her why.
I can see in myself wings as I feel them
If you see something else, keep your thoughts to yourself,
I'll fly free then.

Strength with Compassion on Tax Day

היום עשרה ימים שהם שבוע אחד ושלשה ימים לעומר
Today is ten days, which is one week and three days of the omer
תפארת שבגבורה
A day of compassion in a week of strength

Tax day this year falls on a day of compassion and strength. Now, I'm far from being any kind of financial expert, but I would we need these two elements in order to tax fairly.

Taxes have been around for centuries--they exist in various forms in the Bible, although the what, why, and to whom we pay is very different from today. Every community needs to have some sort of fund we all contribute to in order to maintain the systems that are vital to our infrastructure. This will give our communities, large and small, the strength to survive.

But the allocation of who gives what and how much must be determined with compassion. Those who have more, especially those who's bounty was grown by using the resources of the community, need to give in, pitch in more. As Elizabeth Warren says in the clip below, no one gets rich without taking advantages of the infrastructure we all pay to support.

Please listen and take in what she says here--she understands the need for compassion and strength in our government.

Strength of Spirit; Strength of Healing - UPDATED

היום תשעה ימים שהם שבוע אחד ושני ימים לעומר
Today is nine days, which is one week and two days of the omer
גבורה שבגבורה
A day of strength in a week of strength

Does life follow the sephirot, or do the sephirot follow life?

This year, in this week, there is a mighty convergence of the two.
A very strong spirit was compromised with a very strong internal jolt.
But an outpouring of healing energy
emanating from a widespread but spiritually powerful community
is bringing strong support.

And so, on this day of double strength, I post this message
to build the path toward Refuah Shleimah--a Full Healing

Dear friends, family, and all loved ones of Sam Rudra Swartz,

As you have probably heard by now, Sam Rudra experienced a pretty serious heart attack on Saturday April 15th. He's resting and recovering in the hospital in San Francisco, and is getting excellent medical attention and support. Sam Rudra is in good spirits, is joking around and interrogating all the doctors and nurses about where they're from, when their birthdays are, and their favorite sports teams -- in other words, being his usual Sam Rudra self. Everyone seems pretty pleased with the recovery he's making, although he's going to be staying in the hospital for a few more days. 

Lots of people have asked how they can help. Here are some things you and your family can do to help support Sam during his recuperation:

1. Keep sending prayers and thoughts of healing -- powerful OMs, r'fua shleimah, good vibes, whatever you've got -- his way. These messages are getting through to him, and he's especially appreciate of all the wonderful words of support everyone has sent via facebook posts, emails, and texts. (Please know that if you don't hear back from him right away it's because he's resting, but he really is seeing or hearing all of them).

2. Make a donation to support Sam's healing process. Kind friends in San Francisco have offered to let him stay with them while he gets back on his wheels, but the going's going to be tough for a bit. One thing that will really help Sam be healthier is being in a better wheelchair. On behalf of Sam and all of who have spent time with this amazing person, please consider making a contribution to help Sam Rudra Swartz recover peacefully and get a new wheelchair, so he can regain his mobility and be back out in the world as quickly as possible. 

Contributions can be made in three ways:

--> Through PayPal. We've set up a donation system on PayPal, so you can send your support easily and safely on line. 

Please click here to participate in Sam's recovery and to help him get a new wheelchair 

--> By check. 

Please send checks payable to Samuel Swartz care of:

Leah Muse-Orlinoff

P.O. Box 14684

San Francisco, CA

94114

--> In person (if you are in San Francisco). Stuart Surya Dick, Heather Sevika Ford, Marilyn Heiss, and Leah can all accept donations to Sam's recovery fund. Contact any one of us for more information.

Again, thank you all for your strong and immediate messages of healing and peace. Sam Rudra is healing well thanks to the loving thoughts of the thousands of us whose lives he's touched over the years; now it's our turn to smooth his road to full health.

_____UPDATED APRIL 22

Hi everyone!

Leah here with a quick update on Sam Rudra's progress towards health. As you probably know, Sam Rudra is out of the hospital and resting comfortably at the home of the extraordinary Stuart and Joe. His spirits are good, but he's still working on getting used to his meds. The doctor has prescribed two months of cardiac rehab, so that will be starting soon. Meanwhile, he's trying to catch up on rest (hospitals are hardly relaxing places to be, as you probably know) and slowly regaining his strength. 

If you'd like to come visit Sam Rudra during his recuperation, kindly contact me (Leah) at lealo.rapido@gmail.com. We're trying to manage the flow of visitors through Stuart & Joe's house and make sure Sam Rudra has plenty of down time during the day to focus on healing.

Sam Rudra would also like me to thank you all again for the amazing outpouring of love and encouragement that you have all sent his way over the past week. He's working towards catching up with everyone and returning phone calls and messages, but please understand if it takes a little longer for him to respond to you, and know that your message was deeply meaningful to him.

For those of you who have generously shown your support of Sam Rudra's recovery through a donation to the Sam Rudra Swartz Healing Fund, I wanted to let you know that we have been able to arrange for some much needed repairs to his wheelchair. The details of what kind of chair is ultimately going to be best for him are still pending, and will become clearer once he begins cardiac rehab and consults with his doctors on follow-up care; in the meantime, his chair needed new wheels and brakes and a whole slew of fixes, which your support has made possible. I will keep you all posted on the  wheelchair project, and please don't hesitate to contact me with any questions about the fund's use. If you would like to contribute to the fund via Paypal, please visit http://tinyurl.com/samrudraswartz. Checks can be sent to the address below.

Anyone who would like to bring food to Stuart & Joe's house is encouraged to contact Joe Sieger. Contact leah for the contact info.

Cards and other expressions of support can be sent to Sam Rudra at:

Sam Swartz

PO Box 14684

San Francisco, CA 94114

Once again, on behalf of Sam Rudra, thank you for your support and many kindnesses during this crazy week, and hope you and your loved ones have a beautiful day. 

Warmly,

Leah Muse-Orlinoff

Student...Teaching

היום שמונה ימים שהם שבוע אחד ויום אחד לעומר
Today is eight days, which is one week and one day, of the omer
חסד שבגבורה
A day of loving kindness in a week of strength

Speaking of moving forward (see yesterday's post), as of tonight I will be in my third year of studying Hebrew. Because I started my studies at this time of year, there's documentation of my thoughts as I embarked on my studies, and some stopping points along the way. This is a journey that is important to me on different levels.

In my first post of this series, describe how the Hebrew language reaches out to me. I am affected simply hearing the sounds without full understanding of their meaning. But I still want to be able to listen with comprehension, and that means being able to enter the flow of a language that is routed differently than the language I'm used to hearing. I'm getting better at decoding when I'm reading something; getting the meaning orally is still often elusive.

While I'd like to really "hear" Hebrew, speaking it is a lower priority for me. It's not that I don't want to be able to it--comfortably conversing with others will mean that I have a good command of the language. It's more important to me to read material written in Hebrew without the filter of translation.

I entered into my Hebrew studies for all of those reasons. But there is one side effect of this study that has become equally important not just for me, but for my b'nei mitzvah students. I believe that to be a good teacher you also have to be a student. I fulfill my "student" quota in many ways--I study Torah weekly and attend other classes. lectures, programs, and workshops throughout the year. But for the most part, that learning is within my comfort zone. Studying Hebrew can bring me to a high frustration level, feeling like it's out of reach. But if I breathe through it and break it down, maybe even moving back a few steps before continuing forward, I do move ahead.

And this is what I can share with my students. They need to read the Hebrew while they're decoding the trope. Even if they're memorizing the tune from a recording, they still have to put it with the words. And then, when their haftarah is learned, they need to master a different tune to chant Torah--and this time, there's no vowels or symbols or colors to aid them. It's my job to help them breathe through it and break it down, maybe even moving back a few steps before continuing forward. And then they move ahead.

In order to teach, it is necessary to understand what it means to learn--on an emotional as well as intellectual level. That way, with loving kindness and strength, we guide our students on their way.

Going Forward

היום שבעה ימים שהם שבוע אחד לעומר
Today is seven days, which is one week, of the omer
מלכת שבחסד
A day of majesty in a week of loving kindness

This year, I leave this Passover period with a different perspective on the holiday. I tend to emphasis the breaking free from oppression--whether in the physical, spiritual, or emotional realm. And while that is an important lesson of the story as always, there's more to learn.

This morning I chanted these verses as part of the Pesach Day 7 reading. The Israelites have just gotten out of Egypt. They now see Pharaoh and his army behind them; the seemingly uncrossable Red Sea in front. They are scared. Moses tries to calm them, but the are filled with fear. God says to Moses:

Tell the Israelites to go forward.
And you lift up your rod and hold out your arm over the sea and split it
so that the Israelites may march into the sea on dry ground
Exodus 14:15 - 16

Tell the Israelites to go forward....that's the message. The nuts & bolts come next--Moses will gesture, the sea will split, the Israelites will march through. But first, God says, just remember to go forward. Don't dwell on the running away, focus on the going toward.

Now, these Israelites couldn't take God's advice. When things got tough, they yearned for the "good old days" in Egypt. They couldn't open their minds to the expanse that lay ahead.

The Spanish philosopher George Santayana wrote: "Those who cannot remember the past are condemned to repeat it." As it has been told for centuries past, we will continue to tell the story of Pesach for centuries to come. We need the consistent reminder of the importance of freedom on many levels. But we cannot live in that past time--we need to move forward in our lives, being present in each step along the way.

The Great Mandala

היום ששה ימים לעומר
Today is six days of the omer
יסוד שבחסד
A day of foundation in a week of loving kindness

For the past couple of years I've been teaching myself how to play guitar, simply for my own enjoyment. My favorite book to play from is the classic Rise Up Singing, a compilation of mostly folk but other popular songs thrown in. There's nothing in there written later that the mid-1980s, but that suites me just fine. A lot of my favorite songs from the 60s & 70s are included, and I get much joy revisiting them.

As I sing what was then categorized as "protest songs," I feel the lyrics still have much meaning for the present generation--songs of peace and freedom that still need to be heard today. And maybe, with help of people like Matthew Vaughn, these songs will be heard into the next generation.

For now, I'm going to post the song I put on Facebook yesterday to mark the omer day. It's not in Rise Up Singing, but a great song none the less. I have the Peter, Paul and Mary recording from Album 1700 - in my opinion, their best. But this is a great version, sung by Paul Yarrow, who wrote the song, and Richie Havens.

Enjoy!

A Second Chance

היום חמשה ימים לעומר
Today is five days of the omer
הוד שבחסד
A day of humility in a week of loving kindness

The Torah I will be chanting tomorrow morning includes the instructions for "Pesach Shainee" - a second chance, one month later, to fulfill the mitzvah of remembering our flight from slavery to freedom for those who were unable to be a part of the official commemoration.

Now, the reason for missing the first seder needs to be a good one:

When any of you or of your posterity who are defiled by a corpse or are on a long journey would offer a passover sacrifice to Adonai, they shall offer it in the second month, on the fourteenth day of the month, at twilight. They shall eat it with unleavened bread and bitter herbs...
Numbers 9:10 - 11

And don't even think about lying to get out of the seder:

If a  man who is clean and not on a journey refrains from offering the passover sacrifice, that person shall be cut off from his kin, for he did not present Adonai's offering at its set time; that man shall bear his guilt.
Numbers 9:13

The only vestige of Pesach Shainee left in our ritual is a reminder to eat some matzah that day. But it still has a purpose in our narrative. Our ancestors put great importance on the Pesach ritual, so much so that they built in a second chance to practice. They wanted us to keep telling this story--reliving it every year. 

Maybe it was to keep our history alive, giving our "tribe" a way to survive. If so--well, it worked.

Maybe it was to teach us the need to free ourselves from oppression in any form.

And that is an equally important gift of survival.

It's all about the food, cont...

היום ארבעה ימים לעומר

Today is four days of the omer

נצח שבחסד

A day of perseverance in a week of loving kindness

Tonight I went to the "Food Justice Passover," organized by Pursue, Hazon, and The Kitchen, three different progressive Jewish communities who came together to bring raise awareness about the sources of the food we eat. What better holiday than Pesach to have these discussions and teachings because after all, as I wrote a couple of days ago....It's all about the food.

I really like the new trend of bringing in periods of teachings into these type of events. Below I'll list the discussion group choices for tonight's "seder." Which one would you have chosen?


Passover is Justice
with Noa Kushner, founding Rabbi of the Kitchen
The rabbis never thought of justice or ethics as distinct from religion or ritual. In this session we'll look at the Haggadah as a case study for what happens when these two areas (the ethical and the religious) are integrated.

Beyond Kosher: What criteria should we use for choosing food?
with Deborah Newbrun, Hazon Bay Area Director
The Jewish People have been discussing what is "fit to eat" for 3,000 years. We will look at the ancient texts and at Hazon's "Food Audit" We will share what it is we consider when we purchase and partake in food.

Next Year in Jerusalem?
with Naomi Shiffman, Friend of New Israel Fund's New Generations
Israel's Food Justice movement faces many challenges: unsustainable land development, unequal rights to land and water, and inequality for workers. Learn and discuss case studies working to make change and share your thoughts.

Global Food Justice: The State of Global US Food Aid & The Farm Bill
with Matt Balaban, AJWS Global Circle
Take a closer look into the inefficiencies and opportunities in the international food aid system. We'll spark conversation and AJWS's new infographic "US Food Aid - Where your dollar only goes partway!"

Liberation Ecology
with Yosef Rosen, Jewish Studies Ph.D. student, UC Berkeley
Through a close reading of Jewish sources we will examine the relationship between servitude, spirituality, and our material dependencies on the environment. The texts rewrite the exodus story into an ecological drama that seems more relevant today than ever.

Eating with Intention: Jewish Spirituality & Food
with Rabbi Carla Fenves, Congregation Emanu-El
Judaism and Jews are obsessed with food iin healthy and less healthy ways. We will explore how Jewish tradition can teach us to eat with more intention and make eating a spiritual experience.

Crossing Cultures?

היום שלשה ימים לעומר
Today is three days of the omer
תפארת שבחסד
A day of compassion in a week of loving kindness

While cruising through some photos, I found this one I took at my local Safeway in Feb, 2009. It's the selection in the Kosher section. Why did I take this picture? Let's just say the song, "Which of these things are not like the others, which of these things just doesn't belong" is going through my head.

So, let's take a closer look:

Do you see it now??

Well, she does look like a Bubbe :)

It's all about the food....

היום שני ימים לעומר
Today is the second day of the omer
גבורה שבחסד
A day of strength in a week of loving kindness


All the Jewish holidays have some sort of tie to food--or lack thereof. But Pesach brings the most intense relationship. Most of the other holiday/food connections are rabbinic and/or folklore creations. The food/Pesach link is more ancient than those, with the specifics told in the Torah. More than once we learn of this Feast of Unleavened Bread symbolizing our release from oppression onto the road towards freedom.

Everyone who attends even one seder becomes a part of this yearly reenactment that has been repeated for centuries. Food is not just served as the meal, it plays a central role in the ritual. The parsley and eggs; the matzah and bitter herbs--each has a blessing and a teaching.

And while Chanukah is the only other holiday where the food connection lasts a week, eating latkes or donuts is custom, not ritual. There's no blessing to separate sacred from secular, and there's no real importance given to the eating--there's no, to quote from the Maxwell House haggadah, "and thou shalt eat it." It's the candles that hold the commemoration, not the food.

On Pesach we must tell the story, and the story is in the food. And while you can get the connection from the one seder, following the tradition of no leaven for 7 days brings a different perspective. For now the seders are over, but there are still meals to be created for the rest of the week, still avoiding all leaven. The difficulty is not so much on the food itself--that's not too hard to adapt. It's the breaking free of habits, not being able to operate on automatic pilot. A different type of slavery we need to break free from.

And here is tonight's dinner offering--my first Sephardic mina -- meat pie. It was pretty yummy :)

Another Year, Another Count

היום יום אחד לעומר
Today is the first day of the omer
חסד שבחסד
A day of loving kindness in a week of loving kindness

And once again, the count begins.

A bit of an inauspicious start--I came home from seder last night filled in many ways, but forgot to post the count on Facebook. Perhaps that can be considered a good omen--maybe a slow start will lead to a fuller finish. As always, we'll see. Each year unfolds in it's own way. That's part of the point of this practice. It brings a way to be mindful of each day, be aware of what is happening around me and within me.
For those new readers, I offer a selection of links to help you understand this ancient practice. For those who would like the traditional "nuts & bolts" of the the ritual, go to this article by Rabbi Jill Jacobs from the website My Jewish Learning.com, a wonderful site to get a good range of information about all things Jewish. For an explanation of the Kabbilistic Sephirot that I reference each day, this article by David Cooper is one I like--it's straightforward, explaining the practice without the dogma. The Huffington Post is getting in on the act this year, posting their own daily omer reflections, which you can find here. And for fans of The Simpsons, there's always The Homer Calendar :)

As always, each day will reveal itself in it's own way, so I hesitate to predict or set a theme for the count. Periodically, I will be sharing bits of my omer journal from 10 years ago (pre-blog), as I navigated through the experience of chemotherapy. Two weeks ago, I posted the entry written after my first infusion. Here is a bit from that year's first day of the omer...

A week of loving-kindness, a day of loving-kindness.
It will be an interesting week, getting used to my bald head. I'm surprised at how, well, not-so-upset I am when I look in the mirror... 

There is a whole expectation that this will change my life. Maybe in the short term, but I'm not so sure about it in the long run. Yes, I've had to face my mortality, but I've also had to let those thoughts go-they're just not revelant now. I still need to just keep going day by day, taking each as it comes--once again, the mindfulness of being present. 

Being present with misery sucks, kind of paralizing. But it does attune you to listening to your body--small degrees of feeling better are fully felt. I've still got months of this cycle to go---is that a long time, or short, and does it matter. 

It just is...it will be...and then, it will be over.

Happy New Year; Happy Anniversary

Today was the first of Nissan, the first month of the Jewish calendar---so technically, the start of the year. When you think about it, it seems to make sense to think that spring--a time of rebirth and blooming--would be a good time to start the year.

The first of Nissan has additional meaning for me. It is on this Hebrew date in 5762 (it was March 14 in 2002) that I began my dance with chemotherapy. Ten years of non-recurrence of cancer is a good milestone. It's another threshold of that experience that I get to walk through--and the more I leave behind, the better.

To commemorate the day, I went back to my journal from that time to touch those thoughts from a safe perspective. I'd like to share some of them here......

A new year, a new journey starts. 

This morning, walking to yoga, my thoughts came to their own revelation. The thing about having mortality hit you in the face becomes not about death - it brings an appreciation for life. And it's not about doing grand gestures, going on as if you could be gone tomorrow. It comes back to mindfulness - to be present; dealing with whatever thoughts or actions that brings. That's one part of this that is a gift 

I can feel the drugs in my body--although which drugs I'm feeling, I don't know. Is it just an atavan haze or the poisons working their way through -- time will tell. I just feel kind of spacey. I am aware of the flow within my body. And since this is the first time, I have to just experience the process 

Again, it's process...life is process
Another lesson
And process is presence
And as we learn to deal with the presence
We become clearer on the process
               that is life